a sixty three year old schizophrenic man with a severe thought disorder once said "what a mess an exit can make" after taking his lithium and stumbling out of the basement door.

idk i think these are dreams, phrases, and just random notes from google keep. i dont want to read it right now, but maybe you will. fuck microsoft word.

NOTES BEFORE BED

"what a mess an exit can make"

Life is energy contained, 

death is that same energy expanded.


You're only as strong as the last person who remembers you

Immortality VS mortality

Death is you waking up only to realize you have to change rooms and fall asleep into another existence

How you view thoughts - a giant file cabinet to the eternal abyss

If I ask you to close your eyes and find your heart beat, can you?

Brain incinerator - rob you of death

Reeks of vegan bacon and diabetes

"Blue used to be my favorite color, now I have no choice."

Infernum is one of three doors. The first encounter behind the door is the old lady and black boy in the coffin, and her telling the strange man to cut off the "spook" bits.

An absurdist, nihilistic romp through a hellish dreamscape ensue, entangled in a real time peril of a boys loose grip of working to overcome a nihilistic view of life


Soon it will be tomorrow
Soon tomorrow will be yesterday
Soon I'll be old
Soon I'll have kids
Tomorrow's tomorrow, will be last year
I'll be dead yesterday, tomorrow

Intertwining section for dialogue, description, and anxious thoughts for one characters interaction with another


The apple was green, 

the green did not lick off

Sometimes when I close my eyes the images I see in the darkness are racing by at a blinding pace. They aren't so many images as they are just a blur of geometric shapes rapidly morphing from sphere to cube, pyramid, and then branching out into things more abstract. Sometimes I can't maintain a gaze at them behind closed eyes for long. I have to open my eyes and reset, because the racing of the geometric shapes is too much; this really only happens at night when I want to fall asleep, when my mind isn't racing at breakneck speed. When things are calm, I'm able to see a deep void of darkness; I'm somehow able to see a deeper shade of black than normal. I can close my eyes and extend my sight into the abyss beyond the constraints of my eyelids and into what I imagine my sleeping mind looks like. Sometimes I look at my hand when I have my eyes closed. For long periods of time in the dark I'll wave my fingers back and forth in a crooning motion. I'm not actually able to see them move, but in the darkness behind closed eyes my hand appears as a faint gray shade amongst the deeper black surrounding, slowly waving back and forth.



“My cousin told me that pussy feels like the inside of your nose when it's really runny. 

Since then I've been an avid fan of picking my nose.”

AHMED

Girl on her knees scrambling to get up
Gets kicked in the face and falls backward
Scrambles back up taking her opponent down


4 lines of blow sat idle on the glass table. A girl sat on a chair beyond the table slowly peeling an orange
"holly"said the boy across the table


Two men walk up to a clerk who pulls a gun on them. One of the men puts his finger in the barrel and tells the clerk that he knows he won't pull the trigger just before grabbing the rifle and smashing the butt of the gun into the clerks face

Four Letter Word For Impressed
Timid robber
Husky cashier
Double barrel shotgun

DREAM
A man wakes up locked in a store with nothing but a backpack and a video cassette tape. Outside he sees a set of backpacks and suitcases lining the streets. He sees a man get onto a bus, the bus goers cheer for him, but then start attacking him. The man in the store locks himself back into the store scared. He watches the video on a nearby TV with a VCR and realizes someone's coming for him, and quickly. He Scrambles to get out of the storefront. Someone is chasing him. As he's running he starts to hear audio about his journey "you're going to meet two men on your trip, do not hesitate to do anything in the presence of these two men. If they want you to split open a human as slowly as possible, split open a human " 

"do not hesitate"

the man stumbles into an abandoned building only to find a cult like gathering of men, all shirtless, holding blunt objects and motioning with them like weapons as they chant something in Latin


idea
Defend land or property, but set up the property so that you're invested in it

SUBTERFUGE SLEEPING IN 4 TO 12

He was a 43 year old man of no one. No family left, no wife or kids, he was alone in the world, even his hair had left him long again. He had everything he needed to simply continue, but simply continue was all he ever planned on. What Bill lacked was also what Bill had in abundance. Devoid of any sort of "it" factor, but at the same time only ever amounting to something simply considered it, something considered Bill. Bill was a 9 to 5 kind of guy working a 4 to 12 kind of shift. Hours would be spent watching time crawl backwards as he sat in his stiff desk chair. The chair was a dark brown wooden desk chair on swiveling wheels. Time had worn down the belly of the seat so that all that remained was a dull imprint of all the cheeks that occupied it. The room was a pale white, cluttered with notes, numbers, and orders. The walls were mucus stained brown in more than one place throughout. Bill would come here for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, and he would simply sit and stare, never once minding his P's and Q's for the clients or fellow employees; never complaining, never doing much of anything. For 8 hours a day 7 days a week, much like the rest of his life, Bill existed. He never had that "it" factor, a man with no discernable trait to set him aside from being anything other than being a man with a job and no mind on matters.

Bill was working on a Friday night when little did he know, he would be sucked out of his factor less void. A young man around the age of 23 stopped by the office to take his evening medications. He was a new client that Bill had yet to meet. Bill rolled backwards reaching an arm worn down by time to a client med binder; and then to the client med drawer. He set up the station and monitored the client's medications.

"You ever wonder what it's like to be an unintelligent person? I know I'm no Einstein, but surely I'm not an idiot. I have my moments, but I'm aware of my shortcomings during or shortly after those moments. Do you think an unintelligent person just has no self awareness of their situation at all? "

Bill paused and looked up from the med binder.

“I, I, I don't know. I never really thought about being unintelligent or even being intelligent. I just go with the grain and do what I'm told"

The client looked let down, and left promptly after taking his medication.

In the weeks following this interaction, he'd often wonder to himself amongst his 56 hours of thought about the purpose of a dumb man. The concept of whether or not an unintelligent person has any form of self awareness, and if they do, does that in turn make them more intelligent for being able to recognize their shortcomings?

TABULA RASA

Each woe a remorseless tortoise trapped in a shell of no purpose
Inquiry: The dead left resourceless?
The horse led hearses dragged the postman past a row of hands holding purses
where each person spoke a verse and said this is really how the divorce went,
but in the end the nurse by the bed of the postman just whispered curses slowly into where this verse went and each word spokEN would soon end the search and foul STENCH of a missING persoN



A Gay Ice Cream Truck

I find myself only genuinely laughing at silly things in solace these days. I pretend it's because the body soaks in humor better when alone, with the air clear of all other things, you really get a good drag of that joke. There is joy in the absence of other, but it comes at a lonely price.

Laughing more now in my solitude than out of it, my days are filled to the brim with a social void. Filled from start to finish with a dense emptiness, each interaction somehow more vacant than the last, my isolation has become the most joyful, for it is the most honest.

I spend my mornings ensnared in a sleeping bag, intertwined between a series of pillows, both body and other. There is no solitude or humor to be had when one is wrapped in a warm blanket of non existence.

The afternoons are spent on the surface with my sister grazing the topical pond of conversation, but never taking a dip.

During weekly evenings at work, I am a timid robot of a man, too afraid to talk to those who may not want to hear him. There is no pond of conversation at this juncture. Instead I paint a pretty picture of water with crayons, and pretend that every interaction I have with someone is a meaningful and deep experience worthy of a waters depth, but it's all about as deep as my crayon etched pond.

There is no honesty in my time for others during my weekly routine, no genuine care for each interaction held. The social atmosphere has taken on the air of bypassing the moment of others into the next moment of self. Faking my way through my social functions, I only reach a real comfort when I'm alone, and am then able to find joy in things that are just dumb. This could all be solved by pulling the pole out of my ass and living life like it's worth living, but I'm still fucking dumb, and that's a problem best solved through time.

Someday I will leave my series of unoccupied empty rooms for a variation of populated places, but for now I'm still laughing loudly in my car, office, bathroom, and bedroom, all alone, like an idiot.

So when I'm sitting on the toilet and I read that someone called the rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine a "gay ice cream truck" and a "walking lollipop", I'm going to fucking crack up, because not only is that dumb and priceless, but the Latino my little pony actually put his heckler in a choke hold. It gave me a genuine moment of humor in my alone time, something that I'm finding seems to only be happening when I'm entirely alone.

DREAMS

I was a party in a dimly lit flat on a sprawled out bottom floor; the ground was carpet on cement. There was some dude grabbing onto my back and refusing to let go. He swung around  to the front of me and a wart of his found its way into my mouth. I would yell to get him off but he would refuse and remain put, he almost appeared to have a sexual desire to stay on grappled to my back. I went up to the three random party members popping in and out of existence throughout each room begging them to get what felt like a little chubby troll of a fat teenage bully off my back. Eventually he got off, but not before I accidentally bit off the wart of his that swung back into my mouth. I rushed looking for something to sterilize my mouth, I wanted acetone, I needed acetone, someone had to have acetone. My friend Ryan was in the kitchen with a pretty looking elven girlfriend of his making hard shell tacos with a blender and vodka tonics with an orange vial. I couldn't find acetone to clean my mouth so the vodka mixture had to suffice. The kitchen had two parts to it; One section was barred off like a bar, In front of the bar was essentially an empty area the size of a large closet with a door that swung close beneath the chest, but was able to be left open above the breast. Behind the bar was a dining room kitchen area where Ryan was sloppily on the floor making tacos with a blender on aluminum foil. His girlfriend had huge blue eyes and a sharp short smile. She wasn't his real girlfriend, she wasn't anyone I'd ever met in real life, she was one of the dream people. Someone that's a mixture of twelve other people you've met when you're awake, but not any single real person. She looked most like Aragorn's elven boo from Lord of The Rings. Suddenly a lady came to the half open kitchen door and started talking that sass only the way a trashy white woman could; she was yelling about a pregnant woman and a mess in the other room. I didn't remember a pregnant woman in the other room, but I had a troll boy on my back blinding me, so maybe I forgot. So I asked if her water broke and if we needed to go help. I was kind of annoyed by the idea of helping a pregnant woman give birth, but maybe the mess wasn't child birth. I just wanted to clean my mouth with acetone, but I couldn't even do that. The lady started to yell about beating someone's ass and how "if he ever comes back here we will straight up murder him" and "we won't take that shit anymore" and just a bunch of really generic angry white trash shit to say. I got bored and walked away leaving the white trash alone to yell at an empty doorway. I went back over to the kitchen bar window. It was different now, there was no longer a divide between the two rooms; the bar was split down the center and you could walk from the front of it to the back of it. I walked up and perched myself on the left hand side of the bar, Ryan was still on the floor making tacos. He looked like a toddler playing with food. I grabbed some plastic shot glasses and twirled them. He and his girlfriend weren't the only ones in the room. There were two other girls now, but they had no memorable features at all. Ryan's girlfriend never gave me that vodka drink, and I could taste the hair on the little troll man's wart. She actually went over to those empty friends of hers and began to talk and laugh at what felt like me. I mean, I was just awkwardly standing there staring at the ground twirling shot glasses around waiting for someone to make me a drink. I was being weird, I kept gnawing at the sides of my mouth and sucking at my tongue. I looked at the girls and then looked back at the floor, and when I looked back at the floor there was another entire room now open in the kitchen. the wall had been magically removed. There were a handful of people all sitting on a couch looking like they were taking a picture of a Christian rock album. I don't remember anyone except for a girl from high school that I never got to tell was pretty. I remembered having a dream a while ago about telling her to chase after a boy she liked. I went up to talk to her, she told me the boy I told her to go after in a dream weeks ago never worked out. I was confused at first, but then 

I asked "the cute photographer" and she said "yeah." and then proceeded to walk away from me without another word. I turned around and the kitchen was flooded in natural light, the door that opened up twice was now a staircase, and there was a door now behind the girls with no description. Big windows were at the bottom of each of the stairs and people flooded down the stairs. I kept my eyes locked on the girl who never got her cute boy, Thom walked up to me and kissed me on the mouth. I was convinced he did this because he's a L I B E R A L. I felt weird and now I had more reason to want acetone, or at least a drink.

And then I woke up



Deer eat meat

Weird dream
We staple, sew, and screw things to our body that force us to stay in one location. 

Then we have someone come in and try and scare us while we try and avoid jerking out the stitches, staples, and screws. The person who doesn't rip the staples, stitches, and screws out of their bodies wins. We are bound to a single location and there are no rules in what can be down to us outside of physical harm, we are drugged to the point of extreme anxiety.




Another Weird Dream
I was at a rave in Germany rolling hard as fuck, and I had to take a shit. There were two bathrooms, one was a single stall, and the other was two toilets placed directly next two each other with no barrier. I went for the single stall, but a woman stopped me, her legs were clamped shut and she was wincing, I let her use the stall. I went into the double barrel bathroom, I call it that because if you look at the room from above the toilets are so close to each other that they resemble a double barrel shotgun. The bathroom was long and rectangular with the toilets at the far end, I went to the farthest one and took a shit. As soon as I thought about wiping a woman came barging in.

"I'VE GOT TO USE THE TOILET NOW!"

She HAD to shit and was going to use the toilet next to me, I told her that this wasn't cool, we'd have to sit elbow to elbow and I'm already mid shit, but she insisted we kiss elbows. She ran to the toilet next to me and dropped ass, expelling a series of gaseous groans she motioned for wipes; pulled out of my haze of disbelief I realized I needed some too. The toilet paper dispenser hung emptily to the right of me. AND THEN I WOKE UP
.
Dream again

A couple is taking a piss together in a toilet standing in the middle of a party, he sits and she stands shooting a stream between her legs, but I'm the only one watching, and apparently no one else is seeing this shit.. She is standing up like the guy, pissing a stream onto a washcloth and dangling it over the toilet where it slowly drips in between his legs. This is happening in the middle of what feels like an adult high school party while her boyfriend is just sitting on the toilet watching, making direct eye contact, and never breaking sight. I draw my gaze away, it's just too disturbing, I turn down a nearby hallway towards the kitchen and I trip over something, and I hear a whine and a squish. I look down behind me and I see a toddler holding a pee covered diaper stumbling towards me making baby noises. I glance quickly from the piss covered diaper, to the girls wash cloth, back to the diaper...

and then I wake up and go to the bathroom